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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23084977">Things We're Not Supposed to Feel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Jade/pseuds/Captain_Jade'>Captain_Jade</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A little sad but not as sad as most of my other stuff, Character Study, Dysfunctional Family, Feelings, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Human, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Short &amp; Sweet, Spock Has Feelings, Starship Enterprise (Star Trek)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:27:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>594</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23084977</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Jade/pseuds/Captain_Jade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock has feelings.</p>
<p>It takes a long time before he allows himself to admit it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Things We're Not Supposed to Feel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He saw it in the way his mother smiled—that beautiful, fearless, raw, </span>
  <em>
    <span>human</span>
  </em>
  <span> smile that she gave him every night when she tucked him in. And in her voice, the way she would whisper “goodnight, Spock,” her voice as smooth and sweet as honey, her lips soft and cool on his forehead when she kissed him before she left his room for the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How he wished he was allowed to feel like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock knew having these kinds of thoughts was wrong for a vulcan to have, but he couldn’t help himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt so fake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw it again in Michael, her beautiful human laugh, the way she’d smile and tell him how funny he was, even though he didn’t try to be, how she’d never met anyone quite like him and that she was glad she got to be a part of his family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he caught his mother loving Michael like she used to love him, and for the first time in his life, he knew what it was like to feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>jealous.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Humans, he quickly learned, were all about feelings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They couldn’t control them like vulcans could. They talked about not “bottling up” your feelings. It wasn’t good for them. Spock often worried about how that might affect him, being half human. (But of course he never told anyone that, because he wasn’t supposed to be worrying in the first place.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw it again in James T. Kirk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who, frankly, was probably the very last person he would have ever expected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw it in the way Kirk smiled at him, called him his friend. The way he teased him light-heartedly and accepted him for who he was, unconditionally, without question. The way he made Spock feel like he was at home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only this home felt more comfortable than his childhood home, with all those judgemental, serious, emotionless vulcans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>James T. Kirk calls him a human.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which would be to any other vulcan a huge insult.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emotions are barbaric, terrible, childish, </span>
  <em>
    <span>illogical</span>
  </em>
  <span> things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Spock had a secret that he would never in a million years admit to anyone in the universe. He sometimes wished he was fully human.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t long before he saw it in everyone in the crew.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Little things, like Bones childishly picking fights with him and Uhura’s beautiful singing voice and Sulu’s passion for botany and sword-fighting and Chekov’s young eager disposition and Scotty’s (slightly overdramatic) love for the Enterprise and some nights, he went to bed with his chest swelling with raw, human, </span>
  <em>
    <span>feelings</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and it killed him and kept him alive at the same time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was ashamed that he loved it so much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never saw it in anyone as much as Kirk, though. Kirk and his charming laugh and dazzling smile and just how willing he was to jeopardize his own life just to save someone else’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they kissed for the first time, it was like the universe was ending and beginning at the same time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t even realize he was crying at first. But soon it was more than crying, it was full on sobbing, and Kirk just hugged him and whispered, “Spock, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feelings </span>
  </em>
  <span>bloomed into being in his chest and in his heart and in his soul, and he realized that he had never, ever, ever felt so </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he said the four most important words he’d ever spoken in his entire life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You make me human, Jim.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he knew at that moment that everything was going to be okay.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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